Extra "e"

In your name is an extra "e"
so people always spell it wrong
and they tell me you get mad because you say it is the French spelling
I can see you writing your name carefully on your test papers
and I can see you making the extra "e" bigger than all the letters
just a bit
just so they know it is there
because maybe your parents were French
or maybe it is your dream to run away there
but you hold that extra "e" close to your heart
somewhere I will never be
I know that you and I will never meet
But still, I can see you laughing at me
And maybe even crying with me
Carrying all the weight of that extra "e"

Do my emotions make sense?

I'm the kind of tired where you can't sleep
Like hard rain or car rides at night
Like the sadness you feel when you are so in love
And the love you feel for that pain
Heartbreaking bliss
Like how I imagine the snow
We're all addicted to sadness like this
But I think that's what they call happiness

Today:

Let's fake our smiles and hold back the tears today
Let's fool ourselves as much as we fool everyone else
Let's do a good deed today
Let's make music today
Let's break the law today
Let's be cliché today
Movie clips and lovely montages is the scene we paint
Let's wave to strangers
Let's run away today
You and me, and the other five dreamers
Let's scream like when we were younger
Let's have a nightmare and two dreams
Let's jump through loop holes and worm holes and heart halves to be together
Let's make a mess and not clean it up
Let's spizz and spuzz and spazz through this world
Let's take a trip to the next

Why don't we just live today?

I've found the world has a habit of providing you with the most wonderful things during the times you are most alone.  It is rather cruel that way.  As I sit with the blade, so ready to give up, the bonds that tie me to earth just grow so much stronger.  When everything starts to fall apart the fog clears for just long enough to remind me of the things I would miss.  I am stuck in one point so that I no longer exist in this world or any other, rather, I live alone in the wonders and the fears of my own mind.  I always ask, "What is my reason for existing?" And I always come up blank.  But there is too much love over here and it stops me from pulling the trigger.

Fight or Flight

Look at this mess; we’re covered in snow

Numb through our skin, but fire in our bones

Give it up darling, just hand it to me

Babe, fight or flight was never your thing.

Give in, give up, give your will here to me

Once it’s all over, you’ll be free to breathe

We see how you want to run in the snow

But I’m just not ready to let you go

There is a..

There is a darkness that follows the light

A calm at the end of the storm

A pause in tears

There is a moment of acceptance

A period of “okay”

There is a silence after the crash

But that’s when the panic goes away and leaves room for the fear

Jungle

Common misconception: Caring is pain.

Forget ignorance and learn the hideous truth:

The pain merely begins with caring.

A single seed in a gardening pot

It does not begin to grow until simple caring becomes caring too much

And it blossoms when you realize you’re the only one who cares at all

By now you see this pain is not a rose, it is a weed

But it is much too late to stop.

Try as you might to hate it, still there is a deep serenity—a numbness—that comes with looking at the rotten weed.

And you tend for it as it grows; your senses are cut off

Look at the sycamore of burns

Look at the bush of thrashing limbs

Look at the moist tears that wet the ground

Just don’t look at the dark clouds filled with drops of blood.

The unforgiving liquid drips from the sky with painful deliberation.

When it reaches your height, the blood fills your eyes.

You can no longer see yourself slipping away.

This is when the devils move in

Snakes slither up and down branches of past nightmares, old anxiety, bitter lies

Spider bites release the toxins you had kept prison inside for so long

And an overwhelming fatigue spreads through your body

Take a step back now, sit down, admire your work

Look at the jungle you have created

The hideous beauty is impossible to take your eyes off of.

The pain does not end here; this is simply where it reaches its peak.

Try to run from the jungle, you will only trip over the weeds

Try to climb out of the jungle, the snakes will bite your ankles and pull you back down.

Try to call for help and remember

No one even sees you are gone

No one else cares

The true pain comes when you realize you are imprisoned forever.

So you bend over and release your emotions into the toilet

Flush it away forever, then sit and think about what you’ve done

Caution: Standing up too soon can lead to a fleeting moment of dizziness that may lead to sudden clarity.

So you don’t stand up at all.

Float

All I know is nothing

How can I eat while confusion eats me?

How can I chew while guilt gnashes its teeth?

How can I swallow when I can’t feel my throat?

Who’s there to help me when I’m all alone?

What is right vs. what is wrong?

And what is need vs. what is want?

These are the questions that kill me inside

Taking me over so fear can preside

How do I hurt you by helping myself?

But turn it around and I know even less

Sorry, survival was never my thing

Next time we meet I will greet you with wings

Let’s just lie on our backs and gaze up at the sky

Drifting away ‘til the end of our time

Maybe someday we’ll both be let go

For now we’ll just suffer with the lies that we know

Peace is what we dreaded the most

Making us calm and haunting like ghosts

Just let me wallow in self-inflicted pain

I have nothing to lose; you have nothing to gain

She is a Shadow

She stays hidden in shadows

Her voice is hushed by whispers

Creeping along the edges in story after story after story

Always forgotten

Always ignored

Always waiting for

Someone

Or somehow

Or something

To occur

And she watches it all from the margins

Erased from stories

Hidden by the bigger

And the bolder

And the smarter

Or the older

Too afraid to enter their world

Too afraid to be alone in her own

Quiet in suffering

But weak under pressure

Nothing can hold her or rest on her shoulders

She is the one who will listen and hear

But she cannot tell or offer you help

She is simply

Purely

Only a shadow

And she cannot die

But she does not live